There must be a title for the phobia of being buried alive by the books one owns... I should have that neurosis!  I can't seem to escape a book store without bringing a few titles home with me.  It wouldn't be so bad if I actually read something once in a while.  I used to read.  Or I read for a while.  Sigh.

So, like the Black Friday blog spoke of, there are far too many in my house.  The ones for children, that I've hung onto for teaching... I don't even want to count the crates, fifteen maybe.  It wouldn't be so bad if I just picked them up and donated them.  I have some sort of compulsion to sort them and keep my favorites.  I should "surrender"!!!

And now I have great intention to read into the spiritual/religious/psychological principals of being human... and so the collection grows.  Thank God for Saidi in Uganda, 'cause at least I can get him stuff and it LEAVES the house by intention.

Saturday's acquisitions were limited, only five.  That's a huge success.  I picked up a title from Jung, from Ram Dass, from Saint Augustine, from Einstein... and one that will add a little flair to the blog called Don Juan and the Art of Sexual Energy.  That should be fun.  (And no, not Don Juan de Marco!  Carlos Castenada's Don Juan.)

Do you think I'll read them?  I'm hoping to pick up the spiritual gift of osmosis!!!  Is there such a gift?  I'm inventing it with my manifesting capabilities : ) 

I think that an avalanche is bound to occur.  But the reality of the snow that covers me is the diversity of the texts.  In my endeavors, encounters, and through grace, what has happened over the last few years is a breadth of belief that I could never have dreamed of. 

Many of you have heard this.  If someone told me I would believe what I believe today even five years ago, I would have laughed hysterically and then locked the door between us.  But I am ever so thankful.  I am thankful that I've had the time to venture into the variety of texts that explore the wild range of human spirituality.  I am thankful to have friends that humor me, and embelish me, and transend me.  I am thankful to have a rockin' awesome Spiritual Director, who has been soooo patient when I think I would have strangled myself by now.  Blessings beyond blessings.

So if a cascade of books were to bury and smother me today, have no fear.  My endlessness is set.  I am ready to step into any of a number of possibilities!

The eye of God in a wave... thanks RichDuck!

The internet is being bratty today, or my computer is... either way, it's a lesson in impatience, oh, I mean PATIENCE.  It's also a lesson in listening.  It was time to move on I guess.  So here is what is on my mind  (besides the Matrix, which is taking me too much thought to process and write on all at once)...

Constancy.

We live in these human forms, with these bratty egos which create extremes.  There really are no extremes per se, 'cause those lie in the illusion of humanity.  Of course, we sorta live there too.  So we can do the drunk verses church girl, librarian verses sky diver, monk verses biker look at the world  We can live in the highs and lows of a mimicked  manic depressive state (ya, I know, you guys comment on that for me all the time... I love to swing the pendulum in my blogs... hopefully my being is less swingy).  Really in humanity, we're always perceiving ourselves this way... richer, poorer.  Dumber, more intelligent... on and on and on.

But the soul of God is a constant.  Our core does not sway.  That center section that we meet in the Silence remains undisturbed and in bliss no matter the outward occurrences.  I ran into a quote in a Yogananda book.  He basically outlined that we are the entertainment for God.  We are the daytime soap opera.  Wouldn't it be boring if there was no variation, if everything was bland and noncircumstancial?  We are the unfolding, endless creativity of the world.  That puts the human form into a lot of drama, a lot of ups and a lot of downs.

Truth be told, the more connected we become to our Source, to the self, to God within, the more capable we are to turn and look back without pain, without struggle, without hardship.  We become the watcher of existence, one that appreciates the rise and fall of man.  We are able to wholly separate and only BE the facet of God we were born to be.

I am told I will tire of the highs.  I will become ultimately too low in the lows.  And when I give up, when I surrender, that that will be the moment I meet my true self.  Do you BElieve?  Will you BEcome?

Yuuuuug!  Wave of impending doom... I hate it when my body and heart perceive it... hmm.  Maybe I should read lighter books for a while.  Anyone who has been waiting for the Matrix response (since our trilogy viewing on the weekend), well, this isn't exactly where I was originally headed.  But then, the overlaps were crazy.  So here we go anyway, directly to the end of the Matrix trilogy, directly to the depths of horror and loss, directly to the eyes of grief, and the surrender to an Eternal force.  But first...

Viktor Frankl wrote Man's Search for Meaning.  He was held in a camp in Nazi Germany, lost his entire family to horrifying death, and lived to tell the tale.  He analyzed himself and his bunk mates with the scientific interest that arose from his life as a psychologist.  He credits this for his survival, this capability to watch from outside. He said, "If there is meaning to life at all, then there must be meaning in suffering.  Suffering is an ineradicable part of life, even as fate and death.  Without suffering and death human life cannot be complete."

The book I am currently reading, A Grace Disguised, is authored by a man (Gerald Sittser) who lost his mother, daughter, and wife in a (drunk driver) car accident. He writes, "Sorrow took up permanent residence in my soul and enlarged it.  I learned gradually that the deeper we plunge into suffering, the deeper we can enter into a new, and different life--a life no worse than before and sometimes better.  A willingness to face the loss and to enter into the darkness is the first step we must take."

Where am I going?  The main character and Savior of the Matrix trilogy is Neo.  And as the series comes to a close, there are about five blogs worth of content to notice!  But the main theme, even as we learn that there is nowhere to be, nowhere to live, nothing to unfold but the Matrix itself...the main theme is CHOICE!  The main characters make a choice.  There is no right and no wrong.  It doesn't matter to the Creator of the Matrix which way the pendulum swings.  It only matters to the players, the ones with a choice!

Interestingly, the Oracle speaks clearly of reality.  We've already made the choices.  Or rather, they who live in the Matrix have (ummm, I would like to propose that we live in the Matrix, but maybe that's a discussion for tomorrow).  The only thing there is to do is to analyze WHY.   And so, as the ending unfurls the main characters die, Trinity, the Commander, Neo himself... but their death is birth.  Their suffering and being, their unfolding as the "programs" that they were, resulted in peace for the humanish characters.  They had the choice.

What are our challenges?  How do we endure them, how do we embrace them, and where are we directing our existence?  Are we truly making a choice, or are we sitting in a space of paralysis, pretending that we are?  Where are WE taking the world?

(Sittser) "We do not always have the freedom to choose the roles we must play in life, but we can choose how we are going to play the roles we have been given.  Choice is therefore the key... We can indulge ourselves in self-pity, or we can empathize with others and embrace their pain as our own...  We can return evil for evil, or overcome evil with good... It is the power to choose that adds dignity to our humanity and gives us the ability to transcend our circumstances, thus releasing us from living as mere victims."

Don that black vinyl and go get 'em!  You'll look HOT, trust me : )

I'm going to bore you with this… or perhaps entice you into renting the trilogy yourself. On Thanksgiving weekend, the kids, Eric and I worked our way through all three of the Matrix movies. Since I'm not a big fan of television, depicted violence, or sitting still, there was a sense of sacrifice. But I value those moment immensely; I value the story immensely. I should look for the script… because I'd actually like to sit with the words, meditate with the words and the wisdoms beneath the stories.

So today, I'm considering the Matrix itself. When the movies began, the Matrix was basically a computer system into which the masses of humanity were plugged . For the machines to rule the earth, they used the power of the human form (deluded humans kept alive and still in liquid pods). The computers occupied the minds with the basics of human existence, played out within an elaborate computer game.

Well, are you in the matrix? I am going out on a limb and saying most of us are. Do I think we are "played" out by some force of evil. No. But I don't think that's exactly how the movies ended either. We live in a world of misperception, of delusion. Can I be sure? Oh come on! I'm deluded! How could I be certain? But I could site an awful lot of evidence!

I might start with the Bible… because Jesus said WAKE UP, you are God! My short version. Humans over time have proven that there is something more than meets the eye. It could be Sylvia Browne reading the messages from those who've crossed to somewhere else, a place she calls heaven. You might like to think of Paramahansa Yogananda and the way his and other gurus bodies do not decay the way a normal form might. You could use the miracles performed throughout the world on a fairly regular basis, where the dead rise or the terminal are healed. How about the people who have proven powers beyond our belief of possibility? Joel Goldsmith and the weather. Who was the man who could stop himself from bleeding in front of an audience? And how about the yogi who literally was hooked to machinery to prove that he could die and come back. We're not in Kansas anymore, kids. Delusion. We're under a veil of delusion.

With the Matrix, people were saved from this by those who were presumed to be out of it. They unhooked 'em, let 'em see the horrors of Reality. That wasn't so cool to everyone. One of the "bad guys" even wanted to go back, to forget reality, to be hooked up again. Some people were born outside of this set up, in the earth's core, with the others who were presumed awake.

Ahhh, but the complexity is deep. Everyone was in the Matrix! I'm ready for the argument… I know you'll tell me I've lost it, but watch again! It may be subtle, but it's there. Neo does not work outside the complexities of the framework, in fact, the final scenes are supposed "outside of the matrix" yet he is using his awareness the same way he used it within! The "bad guy" was inside of a human form at the earth's core… impossible if the matrix did not consume the entirity of existence.

I love this! So we think we jump the lines of our own delusional matrix, pass on to heaven, reincarnate, move into lands unknown… BUT we don't! In "reality", we just sidestep into another dimension of the same delusion we're in today! Wa La… how much fun is this? We move from delusion to delusion to delusion, just as Neo and his counterparts did, and would continue to do, elements of that computerized world, formed and overseen by a ceaseless and ever unique Creator. Hee hee hee… I'm on some thin ice now!

So what do you think? What is the answer? Are we in the matrix, trapped, hopelessly deluded in every move, every dimension our Eternal forms will ever reach?

What is Reality? Might the only true answer be the Creator itself? Could we merely be players at the game, elements of that creator in a constant unfolding of a Divine drama? And how do we embrace that Creator, that Reality, to become One with all of existence? If you have the answers, I'm very, very interested in joining your emergence! I have my vinyl overcoat waiting!

Interesting, as we peruse the Matrix Movie trilogy, how we move now to the Divine Trinity.  Do you think for a moment there was a mistake in naming the girlfriend that, Trinity?  Not on your life.  If you go back through the movies, I'd recommend keeping a dictionary handy, because none of the naming was done carelessly.  Every character, every ship, was named for an historical or mythical or Divine reason.  Neo, the main character, Neo - means new or different... and he was required to emerge as something unique in order to spin the matrix into a new era. 

Neo was the Savior, but he was also us, the earthbound part of the Trinity.  He opened himself to the power of the Source, to his ultimate unfolding, and was able to go beyond the wildest dreams of the people.  Really, as you watch, so many of them did.  It wasn't just Neo.  The talented of our world, the heros, the movers and shakers, they are tapping that same energy... they are unfolding with the Divine emergence of the Christ consciousness!

You have to love the Oracle.  Not only is she the sweetest old lady known to the planet (well, or the matrix anyway), she loves candy, bakes cookies, and has a fondness for a cigarette every now and then.  She shares the unfolding of the Eternal with the forms of humanity.   I think she is a wonderful example of the Holy Spirit.  The Oracle is the Divine communication between human beings and the Creator.  Ultimately, Neo doesn't need her anymore.  He taps into his internal guide, which is the spirit within the self.  He can use this guidance to know exactly what the next move will be.  Even when blinded, he is able to source the matrix internally!  If we all could just hone our individuality to align with the Source that well...  incredible potential.

And the Creator?  Well, I know this isn't going to be a favorite character... because the Creator in the Matrix is the benign balancer.  He isn't a caring, loving God, but rather the Source of all, the equalizer, everything that there is, yet without a compassionate bone in his body.  He isn't even the God of the Old Testament, because there was zeal there, anger there.  The only goal of this creator is to balance the matrix.  What do you think of this portrayal of God?  Is it possible that the Source from which we come has no concern for our unfolding?   Could God just Be?  Could it be that everything happens as a balancing act?  Abundant kindnesses and war rebuilds balancing Nazi Germany?

The Oracle, the moves of Neo and his people, they were the actions of "good verses evil"... but in the scenario of EVERYTHING being God, there is no good, there is no evil.  There just is.  The Oracle and the Creator certainly discussed this in the movie.  We're thrown back to choice, aren't we?  If we all live on this planet together, we can choose to let it go in whatever direction our intention points.  We could live in harmony, in abundance, in peace. There really isn't anything stopping us... oh wait, except ego, greed, and power.

So is this spirit within, this Oracle of the Matrix that hides in our hearts, is it directing us to a world of nonresistance?  Can we live with the Trinity as described by the Matrix, where the responsibility is actually in our own hands?  Interesting questions?  I hope the answer is an emerging YES. 

I can honestly say that I have TRIED with all my might to get this to come into solidity for me.  I've given it time.  I just can't do it.  So as Debby said she was excited to see me talk about the concept, I fear that I will bore you all to tears!

Here's what I have.  I have an Eternal thing.  It's like endlessly big, Eternal you know.  We are it, it is we.  There is no describing it, so I won't bother creating a bunch of shadowy second best verbage to tear it down.  Maybe warm and glowing and bliss can't be denied in the description... but that's just a silly little understatement beyond understatements.  I think most people would recognize this Force under the name "God", although God is the wrong term. 

The term God means so many things to so many people... often having judgment and punishment and right and wrong attached to it.  To me, that's ludicrous.

Anyway, so I have that Allness, Oneness, Isness thing that we are... and then what else?  It's like a black hole in my thinking.  What else?  Like, how could there be something else?  So I try to create a something else in order to answer the call to share my thoughts.  And then, there we are, back in analogy.

Here I am in the moment.  I can perceive a keyboard, a computer screen, hands, feet, etc.  So there is this thing we've decided to unanimously believe is Earth.  I'm not too concrete on the details in that.  I once was.  I am not, nor ever again shall be... not concrete.

If I leap headlong into pretending that life is as we're perceiving it, then I really have to explain how it is that we're individual, why it is that most of us have forgotten that we are the All, and all sorts of other territory that is equally confusing and elusive.

I'm going to jump to a fictional belief that works for me today.  I have no insight, no reason to believe it, and I've never heard anyone say it before in my life.  It just correlates with my current point of BEing.  So, I'll share it.  Tomorrow, no doubt, it will be different.

I can't shake myself out of the Oneness being it, the only thing... so I can build a kinda visual image to help people understand.  If you can picture a sphere of glowing love that is endless... let's go with that being God.  And within it, in it's "imagination" are endless possibilities, unfoldings, creations....  There is no time, so nothing happens in time.  There is no separation, so nothing happens in separation.  There really is nothing but the Oneness, but the Oneness can project illusions of non Oneness (and that we are BEing). 

The endlessness of this, the expanse of this, is unimaginable...  Yet, to build it into the picture, I'd have to give it definition... so I'll call the happenings "dimensions" just so we have something to play with.  Inside the Eternal sphere then, build yourself some worlds, billions of them, every kind imaginable... ones with unicorns, ones with fire and brimstone, ones with people of all crayon colors (like magenta and green), ones with every single thing you consider real and every single thing you consider religion, and every single thing you consider fiction.  Worlds upon worlds upon worlds.  Have I lost you?

When the question regards "how deluded were we when we chose our human forms for this planetary visit?"... then where do I go?  I have to say that there is nothing but the moment, but every moment occurs simultaneously.  So as the Eternal, we are currently creating ourselves right now.  And the self that we're creating can relate to the layers of Eternalness in an infinite number of ways.

So, some know they were reincarnated and can tell of their prior life experiences  (but many were reincarnated from the same, how is that possible???  Well, why not, it's just a layer.  We are One.)  Some can tap into existences on planets far from our own... why not?  We are One.  We're all the same exactness. 

And so, many believe in a model of heaven... of a described place/space where we are individual yet again, and have been individual there before.  Is it real?  As real as any of this.  As real as this existence.  As real as all of the other things that I listed earlier that are part of the Infinite possibilities that a Divine Creatine Allness unfolds.

I think of it like a movie.  Where did your movie begin?  It never ends... you can come from anywhere, go to anything, revolve through whatever can be imagined.

So did our souls plan earth life?  Did they choose our bodies and our plights?  Is there something to a form of "heaven" that we leave from and go back to?  Of course.  Of course not.  Of course.

This is a neverending story.  A soap opera played out in unlimited variations eternally.  If you want to dimension hop and land in a world of fairies, be my guest.  But for now, we're caught in the same film, reading these same computer words in this exact moment.  There is nothing else at all.  There in something else as All. 

Why do we choose these challenges, this life, these bodies, this unfoldment?  Because we are the One and only and it's new and different and perfection in an original creation.  

Hmm, it just isn't a soul satisfying answer.  Sigh.

This has been haunting me : )   I'm not sure which of the three movies the scene occurred in, but it's been on my mind since last weekend:

Neo:  Are there other programs like you?
The Oracle: Oh, well, not like me. But... look, see those birds? At some point a program was written to govern them. A program was written to watch over the trees, and the wind, the sunrise, and sunset. There are programs running all over the place. The ones doing their job, doing what they were meant to do, are invisible. You'd never even know they were here. But the other ones, well, we hear about them all the time.
Neo: I've never heard of them.
The Oracle: Oh, of course you have. Every time you've heard someone say they saw a ghost, or an angel. Every story you've ever heard about vampires, werewolves, or aliens, is the system assimilating some program that's doing something they're not supposed to be doing.

So, do you know if you've met an enlightened one?  If you know the author of the Matrix, uh, you have.  So as obvious as that is to me, I really have been interested in all of this analyzing.  It gives my brain something to do in its idle moments anyway.

I was interested that this cluster of "wrong doers" included angels (which most Christians believe in), and then ghosts and aliens (which fall into a human "possibility" space), and werewolves and vampires (which are considered mostly fictional by humanity).  However you slice it, these are not the concrete participators on the planet.  

But what of the philosophical meaning behind these statements.  We are functioning within the programs of a matrix... and the paranormal and spiritual and fictional play on the outskirts.  Could there be protectors that are keeping the other dimensional realms from crossing into ours?  What do you think?  Could our main frame, our God, be doing this?  Or perhaps, are there "people" within the matrix that protect it from invasion, from chaos, from being something it is not meant to be?

In the movie, it was unclear.  Obviously, the God character was the great balancer.  Yet it was the action of the Oracle/Holy Spirit that moved Neo, as he unfolded... and he was no standard program.  So would others like Neo be the ones removing the chaos, just as he (and the Oracle and his helpers) took out the Smith virus?

I'm going with the middle man here, for various reasons.  That's how it plays for Tiffany in Wee Free Men... she's the one that holds the boarders.  Obviously, I think Neo became that role in so many ways.  And I just have some personal info and insight that coincides. 

So are you willing to do that for the universe, for this world?  Would you step up and protect the innocent, the ones who do not understand, from the powers that want to draw away the light?

It's an enormous job!  I am very thankful for those who are among us, holding the lines... defragging the matrix.

I was rereading the second half of the chapter, chapter two yet again, third time.  We (the book club) certainly aren't moving quickly, and it's pretty obvious why not.  In Living Deeply: The Art and Science of Transformation in Everyday Life, every section could be a full discussion.  (I'm looking forward to the chatter on psychadelics used for transformation, 'cause I love living vicariously through others!  : ) 

You know how there is a click when you turn a combination lock and hit it just right?  Well, that's kinda what happened to me when I was going through the text.

Since the writings cover spiritual peak experiences, integrating the new self to a BASELINE, and the seduction of those experiences (calling us like Sirens in the Oddysey)... they all came together in more of a THUD than a click. : )... all the bases are covered. 

Baseline?  Now wait a minute... there's a baseline?  Like, wouldn't that have been something I should have been told?  Shouldn't I have caught my LACK of one in the first two times through the chapter?  Like I hit this whole growth thing kinda by accident, and then it seems like stuff just kept happening frequently enough to be frightening and stimulating and frustrating... yet I never dreamed there was a baseline.  It's like a status quo of BEing?  Weird!  You people could have said something!  "It's normal to have boring, stagnant years", might have been a start.

Ok, I get that I would never have heard you, never would have listened anyway.  I still doubt the sentence even though I'm the one that typed it : )  But in some ways, maybe I welcome some quiet time to assimilate what has happened over the last two years.  I'm not manifesting a lull.  But then, I'm gonna stop fighting one!

I think that when the experiences are new, they definitely have that siren seduction thing goin' for 'em.  I started to think that there should always be a surprise around the corner, 'cause that's how life has been for a while.  What if there isn't one?  Does it matter?  It shouldn't. 

I'm pretty concretely inspired by the Oneness factor.  It's gonna work for me for a while.  It definitely has my back.  I don't worry about much of anything.  I very rarely want anything or fight doing what comes in front of me to be done (well, you know...).  It's all good.  I could call this a baseline and be a seriously happy camper.

And I hear those seductive peak experiences calling... but luckily, I've never done a psychadelic drug in my life (well, or unluckily... but I'm not going "addict" to find God is what I mean).  I'm gonna have to play this new baseline up against longing and see what happens.  Maybe one will temper the other!  Maybe there will be a mutual cease fire?

That's so funny... there is no home plate, there probably aren't any bases at first, second, or third.  The runners never get out.  And sometimes one runs on the baseline instead of leaping all over the field chasing butterflies and daisies...  I'm getting the hang of this.  At least for today...

You thought we had finished, didn't you?  Just when you'd figured you could face the world of movies within this half of the decade, I'm bringin' ya back!  Why?  Because my husband has a really good point.  Oh ya, he doesn't pay a lot of attention to what I'm up to here, but he figured I needed a little direction on Reality as far as the Matrix goes.  And his point was unshakable.

So, if Neo is God as man, the Oracle the Holy Spirit,  and the Creator/Programmer dude the God as Balancer the way I interpretted it, then what is the thing Neo merged with at the end?  I admit to having been distracted in the last movie... I even wonder if I watched the whole thing, 'cause there are gaps in my memory, hmm.

I propose a Quadrinity.  It's my world... I can do what I want here!  I suppose the truth about God is that we could never really describe all aspects, no matter how many inities we came up with.  But Eric has a point.  Neo merged into the Oneness at the end, became the All, saved or transformed the planet to his intention.  What was that huge, wacky, firey, glowing machine anyway?  I'm goin' with Love as my fourth segment of God.  How does that work for you?

Actually, it works pretty well with the movie overall.  I can't say that I've ever read a thing about it, so those of you who are experts, or who have seen analysis' elsewhere will have to tell me where I failed to meet the status quo.  But the love thing is workable.  It was the undercurrent  that drove all of the movies.  It was the reaons for Neo, for Trinity, for the other couple who were separated between underground and a ship, etc... it was the reason for their actions, a reason they used their free will to make the choices they made.  They acted out of love.

What better way to round out the series?!  If we look at God as only a balancer, that does leave us in bleak territory.  And although our free will might let us move our particular existences toward a world that we personally unfold (at least in interpretation), if God swings a hammer of Karmic balance alone, what fun is that?  For every excitement we trade a boredom, for every pleasure a pain, for every love a loss? 

What if love topples this?  What if the part of God that is Bliss is something we can achieve with our own consciousness, throwing the world into transformation, much as Neo did?  What if every move we make does alter the prototype, and with enough focus and conscious action, we could overthrow the balancing act and achieve a world of bliss alone?  Shall we try?

A couple of years ago, I was facing a pretty desperate illness.  I had a deep rooted infection, and allergies to the cure.  Although the doctors told me I wasn't going to die, and I puzzled about this because I felt alright, I eventually figured out that it was not a guarantee that I'd make it (and that's why reassurance was important).  I was on IV antibiotics and daily  hospital visits at Christmas time.  When I hung the garlands last weekend, I so remembered that I didn't finish the task that year, the valances were folded on the back of the couch, washed and ready for rehanging, and waited until spring. I didn't finish a lot of things that year.  I traded my obsession with "doing" for the gift of living.

When my body went allergic to the IV, there was little left to try.  Do or die maybe, don't do or die?  Have you ever made a deal with God?  I think I made the strangest deal ever... I was fine with final moments, thought my family was fine with final moments, but thought that there were some teen people in my life that relied on me for their way of making it to adulthood.  I just mentioned to God, or you might say it was a prayer, that He might consider those extraneous young people. 

In the middle of all of that, my mother was living/dying of pancreatic cancer that had moved into her lungs.  She had two years left in the most ideal of projections (and had already outlived the prognosis by a dozen).  I had to choose whether to risk my own situation and attend family events, or focus on healing.  Guess : )  Uh ya, of course... I definitely picked my Mom here.  A person of undeniable love, my mother's last Christmas was something I wouldn't trade.  It's kinda odd to consider, that we were both at the gatherings "dying"... but actually LIVING at an extraordinary level.

Since this is not channeled information, you've figured out that I lived (thanks to a miracle drug, still experimental at the time).  Mom died that February.  She was such an example of unconditional love that there really are no comparisons to mention.  I can't think of anyone who would argue with that statement.  Her funeral was attended by political powerhouses and biker bar men.  Amazing, amazing human.

I am reminded that the only real gift we give, the only thing to wrap up this year, is unconditional love.  When we love someone with the depth and breadth of our capacity, when we reach beyond everything human, and feel the pulsing of our hearts with the unmeasurable love of God itself, when we look into the very soul of the Being we are consumed by, that is love.  It doesn't have conditions or petty differences or nagging details.  It doesn't look at the habits and histories and crisis.  Unconditional love is seeing the pulse of all existence within the other, recognizing it there, holding that moment.  Unconditional love requires no ribbons or bows, boxes or wrap.  It can cross dimensions, and time, spaces and places.  It never ceases to hold value nor could it ever diminish in luster.

I am so thankful for the option of being that.  I am so grateful for the undeniable moments of receiving it.  Whomever and wherever you might be, know that you are loved more than words could ever say.  The Eternal breathes this roaring fire into your very Being.  It shares the unfolding through people in your life, friends and strangers alike.  Receive it, expand it, and give it away.  May your holidays hold the true meaning of this spiritual season.  Namaste!

My favorite:  "Be still and know that I am God"

I think most people think that statement is God talking to us.  What if it's actually me talking to myself, you talking to yourself?  It's not a new concept.  I've read it in a billion places, including the Bible.  Is it a major leap to consider the idea that the internal true self is God?  How does that change things?

The first time I really really really "got it", it changed a lot, I mean A LOT.  When I stopped to consider my every action, my every word, my every move to be the unfolding of God, frankly, it was overwhelming.  I was careful and pure.  My words matched my idealism, as did the way I moved though the day.  Now, that probably didn't last long!

Stage two, hee hee hee, was, "heck, I have been God this whole entire lifetime, and the expectations just aren't 'high stakes'".  So, what did that look like?  Maybe more of a place of personal acceptance.  I haven't been outside of the worldly "criterion" for a good person.  Honestly, I probably spend more hours a day turning out "good person" junk than most saints would.  I don't do it to be "good".  Hmmm, I don't think I do.  It's just my plight.  So really, as I went through this, I dropped a lot of the "careful" behavior that I picked up in the first stage : ) ... but my life is my life (or rather God's life is God's life). 

And now?  I don't think you can say that I've totally moved away from number two.  I'm pretty concretely sure that there is no outside God at all (feel free to think and comment otherwise, 'cause I might change my mind some day, and then again, it just makes a great conversation!).  In meditation it looks like, how do I describe it?  It looks like being inside out... in fact it's flipped inside out in feeling sometimes... the weirdest thing ever.  So it's like having that God thing going on deep in the heart yet encompassing all that exists.  Hee hee hee, try to get that one!  Better yet, sit in silence and find it yourself, 'cause it will be different for you, but the same awareness perhaps? 

I'm not walking on eggshells... 'cause that action would be to please something outside.  But then again, I am "feeling around" for the actions and BEing that are supposed to unfold.  Sometimes, not doing such a great job of that, but then, I remember I am God and it's hard to do anything that isn't perfect.  Cool huh?!

A lot of confrontation can come from this thinking... because it doesn't really fit into the guise of many religions, yet it fits so exactly when you delve deep.  Paradox! 

I'm thinking deeply about this because of Rich's blog... you can leap over from my friends category... but here it is 'cause I want to bring it to you for thought anyway:

"Is SELF your god?"
"yeah, i figured the title alone wouldn't make for a top spot on the gaia-borg headlines (which of MY blogs ever has been (or probably ever WILL BE???) . Then...there'll be those that come back with "i don't believe in a god. Yes, well...it IS only but a word, is it not. I mean...what does that word mean anyway? It's just a word to symbolize what is most sacred to whomever."

~I was gonna do the whole thing... but I can't stand staying silent. : )  It's hard for me to imagine being a person who didn't believe that there is force within ourselves that moves us without consent.  Our hearts beat, our kidney's process, why?  The sun rises and sets.  The seasons come and go.  Why?  I don't really care what name or concept or religion or whatever anyone ascribes to, but this is just easily called God for a shortcut.  An Eternal Mystery might be a better way to name it.  Hee hee, ok Rich... still listening:

"Would you prefer i use "enlightened? PLEASE....step down off your high horse & actually put some soul behind your pompous ass words, people (only intended for those who have been offended by the "enlightened" stab there). my point here is NOT to go on the attack, but to provoke thought, inner revelations, to get you to ask yourself if YOU are TOO much, having put yourself above any other."

~Don't worry, I've locked up his coffee cups... he'll be calmer tomorrow : )  (I love you Rich, you know I do.)  I don't know who or what he ran into, but notice that this is about judgment.  People think that they're so much better or more worthy or on a higher path, just because of awareness.  Awareness?  Come on.  There is something terribly caught in duality if I have "awareness" and use it to "judge" someone as less than I am.  If I hold in my heart that I am God (and, I do)... how do I then face another and say that I am "better" in any way?  I most certainly have talents that are meant to be shared, that are God itself unfolding into its world, but those do not diminish the variety and color and flavor of all of the other facets (in the forms of others, the world, the universe, and more).  Wait, where was Rich going?:

"Oh, but we can talk this wonderful, beautiful, surreal painting of a perfect world where we all live together in....a serene blissful world.....and that IS something to strive for, to hope for, to work towards, together. try this (for once, perhaps): block out your mind, and consider this with your soul. is self justification self righteousness? Do you think your ways to be in any way above or beyond that of another? Why is it that i feel that with all these words of us needing to be one with all, that we STILL harbor our own self identities wrongly?"
 
~Oooo, baby... I'm so dang human.  But then, I do conceptualize that there can be no wrong and no right, no good and no bad, when All is God.  So if I stand in judgment, why is that?  What is it about my human self that is not yet moving to step up the ladder.  Even the comment "up the ladder" harbors an ounce of judgment!  Humanity sinks us in the quicksand... and we'd better darn well surrender and stop floundering, or we'll be in deep quick!  I recommend some friends with vines.  I have a great group of friends who have a ton of vines...whew!  Rich, more?:

"There is a difference in believing in yourself & then believing yourself before/above/beyond all others. Or maybe you've placed yourself in the safe confines of a group of similar thinkers? What is THAT? We are EACH individuals, created uniquely & wonderful & those differences make for a glorious world. And we are each a part of ALL of this: this world, this universe, this life, this whatever. We are ALL in THIS together, whether we accept it or not. Whether we be GOD fearing, enlightened, atheist, agnostic, whatever..we NEED one another. And at the same time, we need to be who WE are, AS individuals, and accept ALL others just as they are, with ALL of their faults"  (~Ooo, consider that non-duality, paradox junk... what if God actually wants us to have the opposite characteristics, are we sure?...  always think that before allowing the brain to jump into judgment.)  "and NOT put ourselves before another. Let's break these chains of words that confine us to a certain WAY, a certain BELIEF, a certain GOD, and work together to abolish that which destroys each & every one of us. Let's free ourselves from our own bondage of SELF!!!"

~Passion.  You cannot miss the passion!  I am truly trying to understand the mind that says that there is "one true way".  If you've followed many of my blogs, you've caught that already.  I just also don't want to stand against "one true way".  It works for many.  What if God wants us to pick one?  (And I keep using the word God, and using it without saying self, and I know that throws the mind set back to something that lives outside of us.)  In this BEing what we are, in this gift of higher consciousnes, in this gift that so many of us carry, there is phenomenal, undreamable potential.  The ego self stands in the way.  Even as we emerge with wide open, awakened eyes, it lurks to lure us back into the mire, or at least hault us so that we sink in the quick sand.

Honor your gifts!  Honor the variety, complexity, variation, and paradox this lifetime offers in experiences, people, the world.  And please, if you serve Rich coffee by accident, at least hold the sugar : )

Hey, I didn't ask permission to use his blog, 'cause I KNEW he'd love it if I apologized at the end!   Hee hee hee.   (Link over if you want to comment to him directly!)

Driven what?  Crazy!  Gaia was down at midnight again... trying to keep me from these important messages.  I'm in Word.  Cut and paste will be required in the morning.

Obviously I was DRIVEN to do this.  Is it a passion, an obsession, or an addiction?... that's what's on my mind right this second, at 12:30 am, when the alarm will ring at 5:30 and a new day will dawn.  Is this where my time, my energy, my life belongs?  Do you ever wonder about that?  Like, what am I supposed to be doing?  Am I doing it?  (Or should I be sleeping?)

As I typed the first paragraph, I loved the overlaps.  I'm in Word.  Yep.  That's for sure.  The computer is in Word and I am also in the Matrix of Word that comes from somewhere beyond.  But the cut and paste part, I think that's about where I am now, in the illusion of cut and paste... 'cause if I opened my eyes, I'd be One, Whole, complete without seams.

Driven is not something I would call myself.  Shante is driven... she worked on the Rubik's cube for two weeks, and wouldn't use a cheat book, until she mastered the sucker (two weeks?).  Then, THEN, she took on the one with an added row, so 4x4, and mastered it.  That's driven (insane, but driven).

Obama... how 'bout that?  Driven.  No explanation needed.  Still driven.  I can't imagine where the energy to be that, do that, comes from. 

Where do these passions, these exaltations, arise from?  What makes us chase our dreams or follow our stars (Shannon, where are you Shannon?)?  And then in the end, what makes us hold still and stop the quest?  Can we be driven by surrender?

I'm not sure... but I hope so!

When we last saw the Who's, they were voting Obama,
Ending the perils of a Nation wide drama.
But what are they doing now with this bright season?
Shopping and pulling their hair without reason?

Depends on the Who and whether one cares
To stop for a moment and delay seeking prayers,
And listen in silence to the sound of Creation
Sitting in wonder, in total elation.

No matter the schedule, the budget, the hurries,
Stopping a moment can suspend all your worries.
So if you're in Whoville and are quick to stress out,
There IS a way to escape, and not to pout.

The hustle and bustle can be given away
To something Eternal that's behind every day.
So gather the Who kids, Who Uncles and Aunts
And value the moments, take time to dance.
BE there and live it, the laughter and sorrows.
But take moments with God, like there was no tomorrow!

There was a blog that is no more.  It's first line was about checking the clock, concerned about the Gaia shut off at midnight... but low and behold, it was the phone that went dead this time.  We live in the deep, dark forest where cable is an illusion and satellites can't see, so not only do we tolerate slow internet, but we apparently also lose our second lines for fun in the night.  I'm blaming it on the moon!  Full tomorrow (well, Friday, I guess it depends when the line opens up again)... get out your howlin' outfits and find yourselves a hillside.

What did you miss?  Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, Commitment. Blah blah blah only thing is the Eternal.  Blah blah thank you to two special people who spent HOURS whipping my priorities back into shape by being the Word.  Blah blah blah blah  Am I committed?  (Ya, I know where your mind went, and NO I do not reside in Bellevue.)  Blah, yes, to the One, the Eternal, and that alone that is my Source and BEing, YES OF COURSE!

Whew.  Now the rest of my life can fall into place and I can go on in bliss.  Close one!

So, since we can all be committed, share cell space (ha ha ha, "cell" space... that's hilarious) so to speak, I'll be glad to see ya there!  I guess we should all do a tune up now and then.  Who are you?  What are you?  What path are you to BE?

Some know, or know for the moment anyway (that's all we ever know)... and yet, the small stuff gets in the way.  'Tis the season!  But worse, the small stuff might be the big stuff.  When it comes to the Great Mystery, everything pales in comparison.  There is nothing else to be committed to!  I advise that you let God speak to you through the people in your life, 'cause it really rocks... and then jump back on the commitment to Truth!

Joy? Really? Ok, I've been on the roller coaster long enough to recognize the ride. Heck, I think I could do the hills and curves with my eyes closed. Sorta… you see, the track keeps changing! That too has become expected, like expecting interesting growth in children.

Side note... we're playing in a world of white in these here parts, first snow of the season. Nyasha, check your watches people, NYASHA hopped in the car and headed out to gather food for the food drive. She didn't have to do it. She didn't even have a commitment to an organization or a teacher or anything. The girls have just "felt" sad about the circumstances… that the people of our community are so in need, and so few have the capacity to help. And, although she normally errs on the side of extreme caution, she leapt the wall and is racing the track. Cool. Weird. Very cool.

Hey, and it must be recognized that Shante and Karolynne stepped into the car… and there is so little control and so much faith in that action that it is indisputably the move of saints!  That full scenario alone is reason to cry… tears of joy for the kids development, tears for their love, tears for their growth and "bravery" in BEing what they are!

But alas, I only cry because I do. I have no reason, no explanation, no wish to remedy the situation. If anything, I've learned to hold the moments in wonder, dear to my heart. I have learned to notice them for the heavy, deep feeling that they bring, and wonder at what evolves from each tear. It's all good… It's all God.

 

I hate the idea of a journey ('cause how can a journey occur in a moment), but that's how this feels.  I suppose no matter the belief system of an individual, life seems like a trail walk, with boulders and hills, roots and slides, with meadows and flowers, streams and rainbows.  

When we talk spirituality, I think a lot of people leap into a box.  I don't know why there are boxes on my trail : )  But I wonder sometimes if people jump into them willingly.  I think some do... because I would like a box  right now!  But sturdy boxes risk the journey, because when you're in one, it's hard to move (hee hee hee). 

Diversity in transformation is the theme of the week (maybe month)... Check out Rich's blogs, Kevin's...  Kwami was pondering it.  And DeeDee ran into a Christian zealot who railroaded her with doctrine for six and a half hours!  Here's the problem, though, just as this man's story goes:  He was a gang member and a drug addict when he had an intense spiritual experience.  "The Holy Spirit transformed him."  His life changed instantly and immensely for "the better".  And he wants to share it.  BUT, he's in a box.  He wants DeeDee to climb into HIS box. There is no way, according to this very well meaning man, no way but the Bible way.  Jesus is the answer, and there is nothing else to consider on the face of the planet.  DeeDee gets to work with this person for a long time, so if you have thoughts for her, reply here... she'll see 'em. 

The problem when considering this Christian truth leaves the puzzle. Do we discount the experiences and transformations of Ram Dass (who began with drugs) or of Paramanahansa Yogananda who had and then was a guru.  Do we think the Buddhist way has no forms of transformation, that no one has had deep and meaningful spiritual changes through that philosophy?  I could go on for days...

Back to the boxes along the trail of our journey:  Now I suppose if you have one wall cut out, you might be able to walk, but not see.  If you have two walls out, you might be able to grasp for the feel of the things around you... and walk.  Three walls gone, then is it a box?  Three walls missing would give you your sight.  Four walls, means four in-four out, four walls and your hearing returns.

This is how I see spiritual development.  It's ok to hang out in a box for a while...it has something to offer.  I believe, however, that it's important to check out several.  Somehow, no matter how unappealing, boxes get comfortable... stagnant, but comfortable.  They limit the experience of the trail.

From the Noetic Sciences folks, Living Deeply: The Art and Science of Transformation in Everyday Life (ya, a book!), we could play the game of lists.  They collected forty one varieties of religion or personal philosophy.  They list many doorways to transformation, ones that you have run into and those you have never thought of.  In non-ordinary states of consciousness alone, they say that these doorways may "be achieved through meditation, shamanic healing arts, trance, past-life regression, hypnosis, art, dance, music, deep play, sex, being in nature (ooo, how about sex in nature, double deal! : ), ritual and ceremony, prayer, the sacred use of plants..." and so on!  Lists upon lists upon lists.  Transformational experience from everything under the sun... from scientific or mathematical studies to surfing USA!  From every "corner" of the planet, from every age, color, and religious perspective.

No one has this thing down.  No one has it right.  You can't have something the is Infinite trapped in a box!  You can't discount the rest of existence because you step into one, even if it has great and powerful things that it lends you : ) 

So, ya, I'm ranting to the choir.  I know you are basically on my page.  And no matter how much I think Jesus rocks, I have plenty of room for Baha'u'llah, special seats for Gandhi and Buddha, and you'll definitely catch me checking out the natural environment (hmm, still pondering revisiting the combo above... Eric will be elated... maybe after the snow though).

Hey guys, love the boxes, just be ready to blow the walls out when it's time!  And for GOD'S SAKE, let other people play in theirs, and visit yours!

I was walking down the street and this rogue elephant was rearing up and roaring at this zebra with hot pink stripes… uh, no. Not that weird.

We had our extended family Christmas gathering last night. It's always "way cool" 'cause there are forty or fifty of us, and we do the Swedish Smorgasbord thing. So ya, a little lutefisk, a little rice custard, potato sausage, goat cheese, Swedish meatballs, lingonberries… and we're good to go for another year. I almost think of the Ikea commercials when I reference this. But the honest truth is that, although we have Swedish heritage, the TRADITION was created around the time I was born. Hilarious! It was like the family decided to pretend to have heritage, and now it is so : )

We do a form of thieving gift exchange that leaves everyone in laughter. The presents range from while elephant to useful… leaning on the pachyderm side. In fact, this year, one of the gifts was a WHITE ELEPHANT figurine, very funny!

Appropriately, the present that Shante' pulled and kept was a book. It was written by the grandmother of one of the kids… so someone not blood related to the whole, and many years "divorced" from the large group. This is what took my breath away. It is the poetry of a person in transformation, someone who had awakened/been enlightened. The title is "In A World that Worships Illusion". I could have melted on the spot. What? What the heck is going on?

The daughter of the author is a distant cousin, and after the festivities of the exchange happened, I quickly sought her out! "Omg, your mom was enlightened?" And on the conversation went… Kim had the book published, had found it when she was helping her mother clean out in preparation for death. And just two month ago, the author did die, and Kim had felt great love and peace and beauty in that. But, wait, she didn't get the whole picture…

As I talked, I watched. Kim went on and on about her "enlightened mom" but had no idea of what she was speaking. She still hasn't run into what illusion might be… And I've read the poetry, some of it, and it literally CALLS this particular person into the ranks of consciousness. Weird! So weird, so wild, so close, so far! How many of my family are hiding their secrets? How many aren't "out of the closet"? Will I ever know?

And what to do, what to do, what to do with Kim, hmmmmm. The Eternal has some serious plan here, and I betcha there is no accident about the hands the book landed in! (Well, Shante' was a great choice for it too.) Next move, I have no idea. Emails? She lives in Chelan… I see her, speak with her, once a year.

What I do know is THIS IS A SMALL WORLD… and those that know, those that perceive the truth are oozing out of every crack in my life. I just glow with the thought of it. I can't believe it was always there, yet so hidden. And I am so, so, so happy to have eyes wide open to the presence of such glorious Beings!

Hey, it's a progression… but I'm seriously happy to be surrounded by the insightful ones!... And those that are close to full realization as well! So thanks!

 

I think I've been putting this off.  Maybe it just needed more power and thought and energy.  Maybe I SHOULD be working on my Christmas card letter!  Hmm : )  (Problem is, there's a lot of expectation there... 'cause the letters are never what you'd see from anyone else.)  

I've been thinking about religion, about groups, about finding like mindedness, and pondering the opposite.

I'm thinking on both sides, and it always creates a conundrum when I need to type.  Where do I go?  How do I present one without diminishing the power of the other?  Mystifying.

I have truly been alive and energized by the people in my life recently.  Whether it's the family taking a walk in the snow and laughing at the attempts of a Christmas card picture, or the deep spiritual connections with others which have unfolded without expectation, or the groups I've come to love so deeply I can barely consider words an expression, I am sooo blessed!  Wow, understatement.  I can't even begin to say what a huge impact this has made on me... how I have changed and grown by experiencing all of the circumstances and people, how my heart truly knows the meaning of God's love...

But groups, hmmm, groups...  What is there to look at?  Some risk here!  There seems to be a well hidden trap that can snare the unsuspecting.  What is it... what is that illusive quality?

The Bahai religion spreads the believers throughout the community.  They work at being One with all, rather than one with their own.  But humanity seeks the opposite.  We look for commonalities, and hang with those folks.  Why?  It's comfortable and easy.  It validates us for what?  For who we are.  But what is it validating?  Scary.  Could it be that we group as a means of supporting our egos, of holding our beliefs in check, of limiting the exposure to things that challenge us?  That's definitely a problem.

So if we're in a specific religion, and that supports our growth and enhances our direction, what's the issue?  What happens when the doctrine of another is pondered?  Do we work to understand?  I guess it's the openness to the outside.

Pema Chodron used this great analogy in her Awakening Compassion CD's.  She talked about a comfortable room that we can make any way we like, our own music, own temperature, the foods we love, the exact décor and friends and issues we want to face... only those in that room.  As she described it, she then said that the more we isolate to it, the scarier and more dangerous the outside world seems.  We don't like the scents of the unique food, or the sounds of another person's radio, etc.  In moving into the duality, we create our own prison.

So I am watching.  I am wondering.  I love the growth that comes from the commonalities.  I'm absolutely adoring the experiences.  And I want to remain open to the differences, very open to the differences.  I want to rejoice in the uniqueness, celebrate the diversity.  I want to live spiritually, happily surrounded by those who are "not spiritual" at all.  I want to walk the line.

 

I was asked to comment on "beautiful people"... and that book title came to mind.  There's a whole series of these things for the teen girls...The Uglies and the Pretties, the Extras, etc.  I have to admit that I had no interest in delving beneath the covers, just because I didn't like the premise.  But I think that author's point is probably more similar to my thoughts than contrary.

The kids were watching a Heath Ledger movie, Knight's Tale... and drooling over his body.  Hollywood is awesome at conveying "hot".  My favorite example is Don Juan de Marco... which, if you haven't seen it, is the best date movie on the planet ('cause the women will love it, guaranteed).  Like the Pirates, movie magic is done with Johnny Depp.  And ya, yowza, HOT, sizzlin' hot!!! (And, he is not "hot" under the regular American definition of great looking.) But what makes the person appealing may not be the way he looks so much as the character that is in play.  And in both Knight's Tale and the Johnny Depp flicks, that is the case.  The character of the person being played is compelling and beautiful in it's own right.

Beautiful people.  I wonder what my opinion was supposed to look like. : )  Here's my reality:  Even as a teenager, my friends would point out people on the streets with that "ouch" type connotation... and I would wonder, huh?  Like how can a person see "beauty" by "looking"?  So, I just went with the flow and thought myself a little off center (now I know that the world is off center and I hop the line trying to reach for it).

My favorite self thought has always been "I can't wait to be an obvious, old Grandma... 'cause I'm gonna enjoy wearing a bikini at the beach and just being as entertaining as possible... no one will "judge" 'cause it will be socially appropriate to be senile!  That's kinda sad.  It's sad 'cause it means there is and is not behavior that aligns with this "looks" thing in our social structure.  I'm not timid or self conscious... but there is a line for socially appropriate : )

I think my real bottom line is this... I've known a lot of beautiful people.  I'm actually appalled at how many when I begin to consider.  Do I think even one of them had the "looks" that America expects of gorgeous.  Wow, I doubt it... it's all smoke and lights, all illusion, all an image on a computer screen adapted with photo shop.  Reality is so deep that the comparison is ridiculous : )  Beautiful people are the works of the Eternal.

I was putting out the Nativity Scene that Eric bought for me on one of our first Christmas' together.  It was particularly striking as a gift since he had no religious connection, and it was given soley in support of me, in loving me.  I thought of that as I set the stone white figurines in classic positions.

I'm not exactly Christian now.  It hit me more deeply this year than last.  I do this out of tradition.  I do it out of respect for a prophet who held the Truth, spoke the Truth, and was made a symbol to the world.  I have some grasp of what he meant.  I'd dare to say that most do not.  Perhaps I am a true Christian, Christian in the sense that I seem to believe the Words of Jesus in the way they were meant to be believed.

On the way in to school this morning, the radio lulled out "Mary, Did You Know?"... and I saw the the absolute striking beauty of each and every one of you.  I realized more deeply than ever that when I hold you in my thoughts and arms, spend time with you, "or kiss your face, I kiss the face of God".

"This sleeping child you're holding Is the great I am."   Awaken the child.  You are the great I am.

Eloquently unfolded by Rich himself : http://richmallard.gaia.com/blog/2008/12/just_me_being_me
I'm in awe!  Seems to BE BEcoming a frequent state of BEing.

 

What the heck?  Where did that title come from?  I can't wait to see how I tie those together!

I was listening to a very enlightening audio book today, and although there was NOTHING Buddhist about it, one of the practices that was described was most definitely Tonglen.  I'm getting used to "practices" happening within me, and then finding they've been named or outlined all over the cross cultural religious perspectives even centuries before. Why not?  We're all One after all... and it seems that spiritual action kinda merges in and out of itself, crossing the most unlikely of bedfellows, Wicca and Catholicism, Buddhist and Evangelical Christian.  If people only knew how alike they were, there would be a lot more laughter.

When I listened to this book describe a very "out there" spiritual experience, and outline a practice for unfolding great spiritual development (not the book's intention per se, it was told as an experiential story), I couldn't help but remember.  Tonglen was the practice I was playing with when I fell full bore into Kundalini energy, and the most dramatic and crazy few months of my life.  Play with fire, ya, you get burned.  And burn I did... literally... heat pouring from my skin, temperatures physically a few degrees high on the thermometer.  I guess that might be why people say Tonglen is advanced practice, huh???  In retrospect, it makes a little sense.  But who knew?   And just in case the "gods" are listening, uh, guys (I don't actually believe in separation and gods, but humor me)... guys... Tonglen is Buddhist practice... Kundalini energy is a Hindu emergence of the Divine.  Hmmm...

So do I recommend this?  YA!  But, but, but... not to a beginner... not to someone without support, a teacher.

I know, I'm human too.  All that warning label did was make everyone want to run out and try it sooner.  Sigh.  Okey doke, ya probably should go to the top when it comes to Tonglen, and read Pema Chodron's instructions rather than mine.  Love her!!!  Literally love her! 

There's a twist though, in the version of practice given in the audio book, Emissary of Light (Twyman).  The first step in the new, improved, more bubbles form is to look at the emotion, any type, as a separation from self... some folks might need that hint to start.  We are not our minds, bodies, emotions, egos... each stands on it's own as a display or tool, and the only thing we are is the One.  From this perfection point, we can stare down the puzzle pieces, hold them in separation (which is a paradox, obviously).  Twyman mentions looking at an emotion or feeling as something that can be converted into God energy through this practice.  

Here's an example of how...  I have a feeling about "anger toward a thoughtless person who treated me poorly".  I hold that feeling as a feeling but not as self, like it lives in it's own "Glinda the Good Witch bubble" separate from the Me-ness.  So I look at it and bring it to my heart, embracing it and feeling it with everything I've got.  I then process this bubble by converting it with all of my soul into an outpouring of bright light (or love energy).  I watch it exit as this beautiful new energy.  Very cool!

I know in Tonglen meditation, you can fill a painful hole sometimes created by embracing the bad with something wonderful... if that's fun for you.  Call in the flying monkeys, if their suits make you laugh, for example!  Mostly, it's suggested that one embrace the horrors and then fill the holes with something of a happy memory or a comforting experience (a warm bath, a melting wicked witch). 

So who does this stuff?  I don't actually know a single practicing Buddhist!  How is that possible?  I do know it is an amazing experience, even without the crescendo ending that rocked my world.  It's a little like adding glitter to your shoes BEFORE it's time to click your heels and say "there's no place like home"!

Maybe we should start with the utter beauty of Pacific Northwest snow... that is definitely a gift of God's love.  We are snow bound.  Schools are closed.  It is quiet focussed time of peace and SILENCE.

I was actually thinking of human gifts however.  'Tis the season.  I couldn't be more grateful to people in my life.  They definitely know me.  I have received the most incredible gifts!  So ya, I do have cocktail rings and diamond tennis bracelets, bobbles and trinkets up the yin yang.

But these are the gifts I love:
My daughters gave me a printed chapter from one of Nyasha's novels.  Shante' edits.  Ny writes... but they're not normally made for public viewing.  Amazing gift.

Shante is a Rubik's cube addict.  She worked to create "I (heart) U" with the cube... and photographed it.  Wow!  Who could imagine?  She collected a million different spiritual quotes from the internet, and did a meditation jar.  Creative people in my life!

Last Christmas, Eric and Nyasha worked together to alter "Santa Baby".... a gift for each line of the song, the words recreated by Nyasha's writing talents.  So ya, "a '54 convertible too, light blue" (and die cast)... "They slipped a sable under a tree for me", luckily in a photograph and frame.  And "something bought at Tiffany's"... did you know they have two inch crystal ornaments?  Now you do!

Gifts are not about money.  Gifts are expressions of love!  The adoration, the time, the intention and passion mean everything.  "It's the thought that counts!"  It really is.  

Nyasha does not mince words. She said the line with straight honesty, no dramatics. An exclamation point does not belong on the end of the sentence… "People with religion have missed the point." I am so tempted to think "out of the mouths of babes". Ny is seventeen. So I listened as she continued. "The rules get in the way. The religion makes it so people can't actually get it."

Okey dokey… that should pretty much create peace on earth. My job is done here : ) I'm not sure that it's fair to take credit for another's spiritual position, but hey, I'm the Mom. People do that. They take credit for their kids!

Expanding on her thoughts, there is so much to be gained by allowing a religion to sink deep into your being. There is so much beauty and love and realization. But there is danger in it. It's one of those trails with drop offs and mudslides, rolling boulders, and dense overgrowth. Religion is a means, not an end. At some point, the trail limits where one steps. And it looks to be that traversing the forest does not require a path at all.

Nyasha knows a few people with very strong religious conviction, dogma, doctrine, and all. She watches. She sees. I have to admire that she is equally bold in sharing her own open ended beliefs, although I wonder about her level of careful compassion in that. She usually blatantly says it how it is.

So, there is a lot of Christian Fundamentalism in her group. She comments on the irony of the words to the actions, the judgments, the damnation. Mormonism is also prevalent in her friends, and is represented as more open, yet still so very structured that the spiritual growth looks limited from where Ny stands.

But is there danger in having "no path"? I wondered that when I chose to baptize the kids' Catholic and support them through the ritual and sacraments. My goodness, Shante was given the Last Rites in the hospital when she was born (and considering cutting out of this world). So the path was there. But somewhere around Middle School, we all jumped the trail, and went out among the ferns. I like it here. Blue skies, soft ground, the scent of green and earth and wind. And God. Without judgment, without separation, All God.

 

"Pain is a gift because it shows we have a capacity to feel, whether pain in the body or pain in the soul.  Physical pain demonstrates the capacity we have in our senses to experience the negative side of life in the world.  Our nerves give us messages about the world, warning us of its dangers as well as informing us of its delights.  Pain therefore is the flip side of pleasure.  The nerves that tell us of one tell us of the other.  The eye that blinks under the glare of bright lights also gazes in wonder at a mountain peak or meadow of wildflowers.  The nose that signals the scent of a dead animal under the crawl space of our house also draws us into the kitchen where bread is baking..."  (A Grace Disguised, Gerald Sittser, 45).

Why am I here?  What am I doing HERE?  I was feeling stir crazy and I knew that meant that I needed to get back to basics.  The snow is about fifteen inches deep now... that's obsessive for this neck of the woods.  I walk in it, revel in that, listen to it, breath it, watch it glitter, then watch the particle glitter of a different way of looking. That doesn't occupy much time.  And the phones died.  And the kids are quietly reading and writing.  Eric ventured out (what?) to work for the night.  Back to basics:  Do something to grow, do something to love someone, do something to change the world.  First things first... so I'm reading my "assignment".  Grieving.  Comprehension of the grieving process.  The empathy brings me into the suffering full bore.  I have to shake myself back out, remind myself that this is not "real".

Sittser's words are poignant.  Why do we face this pain, face suffering, meet challenge after challenge, endure abuse...?  It's a profound spiritual dilemma... one that many never recover from when they decide to take it on.  How can God do this to His people?  How can there be Divine Bliss when the world is filled with horror?

Balance.  Can it be that simple?  Can it be that mundane and arbitrary and repulsive to think of.  Non-duality... do I walk the line?  We're human.  It's absolutely impossible overall to walk that line.  Who would want to?  Would I give up the sensation of taste so that I never had to cross paths with Brussel Sprouts again?  Of course not!  There are things that I enjoy far more, so I'd endure the hate for the tiny, wrinkly, disgusting, mini cabbages!  How about physical pain, a broken limb?  Would I give up orgasms to avoid the torture of the healing process?  I bet you wouldn't (although I've been wrong before).

Deep and peril filled suffering is the opposite of the glorious, immeasurable ecstasy that we, as human beings, are blessed to experience.  The terrible sorrow that Sittser endures regarding the triple deaths in his family is balanced with the beauty, glory, and perfection of another day.  This is a paradox that pulls at my heart, wrenches it, pounds it with a throbbing that threatens its exit from my chest.  This is discontent.  I want to tip the scales!  I want to bliss to be the way of humanity.  I want the Eternal to sweep the world with Realization.  I want, I want, I want, hmmm,  that's what I want for Christmas.

"The Spanish mystic, John of the Cross, wrote about something he calls 'the dark night of the soul.' He defines it as a depressed spiritual state into which one slips, and turning to traditional remedies-emotional fervor, spiritual discipline, rational analysis, worship, service-finds in them absolutely no help or comfort. All props are stripped away. One is left utterly alone and helpless… One enters the abyss of emptiness-with the perverse twist that one is not empty of the tortured feeling of emptiness. If anything, this kind of emptiness fills one with dread and despair." (A Grace Disguised, Gerald Sittser, 52)

I actually don't relate to John of the Cross (yet), thank God. And I've read other works that reference this title, "Dark Night", that just don't get it. But I have had some tiny glimpses that give me understanding that I do NOT embrace with elation.  For only moments, these are not experiences that can be explained in words.

John of the Cross was not referencing some period of depression that followed a logical life experience, or was he? He definitely was describing a period of spiritual transition. Even the author of a Grace Disguised referenced the Dark Night as something that happened after the stages of the grieving process were complete, where total surrender to the pain took utter control of life. That's the right "feeling". But is it the right circumstance?

Spiritual growth occurs in our every move, or rather, I should say that our every move is a spiritual occurrence. Up and down, back and forth, we play on the field of consciousness, working for the first down, then losing yardage on the next play. Free will is the mud… giving us an advantage in some ways, a disadvantage in others. Severe circumstances can cause us to drop and try for the field goal from an impossible distance. Or it can cause us to put in the second string players, in hopeless exasperation and certain loss.

But is that a Dark Night? I never want to downplay the human element of suffering. Or perhaps I do. But I read enough of John of the Cross to know that I wanted to read no further. It didn't matter. I ran into the same concept, the same enormous spiritual transition, in two other places, randomly, painfully. But what I see in those three spaces of comparison is not what Sittser is speaking of. Sittser is relating true and relevant human pain, horrible emotional pain, a space of tremendous growth and experience in its own right… but he's using the definition of a saint that leaps a barrier into a new level of Reality, not the human conditions that we rise and fall in.

I'd love conversation on this with you people who "know" something, because it perplexes me that so many more books and discussions do not see the difference.

As far as I read into it, John of the Cross said there are two Dark Nights that may be faced in a lifetime. These are not the depressions of divorce and death and injury in the world of illusion. These are the conversions of saints, from the working of a human body, to the working of the spirit through a human body. The first Dark Night is thankfully rare beyond measure. And perhaps we should be thankful. And the second, well, did you buy your lottery ticket? Win about ten of those… and we'll talk : )

And so, once again, my definition has very high standards, standards beyond the words of "experts", standards beyond the written texts of many. Can people understand the words of John of the Cross? I'm really wondering if it is I who misunderstands.

We braved the ice for a midnight showing of Reindeer Chronicles. There was a "warning" that the subject matter had adult connotation… but honestly, we were thinking risqué humor! So teenagers in tow, we hit this live presentation. Sigh. Ok. So I'm exceptionally happy that I did not have two of my favorite teen friends along for the ride, and we had actually purchased a ticket for one, and I'd listened to my innate senses, and hadn't ventured out to get her (or even tell her).

This is one serious reindeer tale. The premise of the show was the controversial circumstance of Vixen's accusation that Santa had raped her. It was actually very serious indeed, extremely controversial, very in depth as to the processes and the people… the sides taken, the twists in understanding the why's and how's. Wow! I'm rendered a little speechless. I think we may have done permanent harm to Shante, who had yet to have run into this circumstance with a friend. (Nyasha is well indoctrinated into friends twists in sexual abuse situations).

What it brings up for me is the black and white of the human mind. We soooo want things to be good or bad, right or wrong, heaven or hell. That just doesn't work. Remember that elephant story where each blind man is touching a different section of elephant? Back on that again. Every individual has parts that fall into every category… and categorizing is the most futile thing the mind does anyhow… 'cause anything that creates separation moves us away from the goal. My goal anyway. It moves us from perceiving every element, every particle, every living being and action as One, One with me as an individual, with you, with All.

Was it Jeffrey Dommer? Was he the one that helped write books that could keep children safe from people like him? How do we process this dichotomy?
Can Santa be a child molester? My children's first Santa, the one they saw for their original years, was jailed as such. Someone told me that the only reason he did the job was for grooming… as part of the illness, that he was EVIL manifest in every second of his life. Well, hmm, that's pretty strong black in the black and white game. The gray of the matter (gray matter, hee hee hee) is that I watched this man show great love and compassion. He worked diligently for hours to get just one photo with our pensive one year old. There was nothing in it for him! He didn't hold her, would not see her again until perhaps the following year. This was not grooming. Yet every time he was between kids, he would try another tactic to get the shot. In the end, while one of us held her, he snuck up behind, and the photo was taken without her knowledge of Santa's presence. Ho ho ho!

I have had a couple other child molesters show up in my life, a family friend, a parent of a childhood friend (I'm sure there are more hidden)… but I totally see the gray. I could literally list endless wonderful qualities for these individuals. Do I condone child molestation? Are you kidding? Of course not!  But are the accumulative actions of a person "black or white"? Nope… gray at worst… a glorious rainbow variety at best.

Judgment gets us nowhere. Grab your clouds and your sunbeams and recognize who you are, who we are : )

 

The lottery was at 200 million last week. 

So what would you do if you came into an unlimited source of money?  Just quickly consider it, what are your first thoughts?  I think this says a lot about what we're doing, where we're going, who we are.  And then, after a day, reconsider your thoughts... hone your BEing, and see what evolves : )

In some ways, if I continue to type, the experiment is mute for you.  My words will alter your thoughts... so stop reading : )  Come back and finish this blog later.

I already did the work, you're cheating!  Really, stop reading here...

I know you didn't!

So yesterday, Shante thought to herself, first college... any college anywhere (for herself)... then helping kids in Africa or India, the rest goes to them.  Today, she's thought through that she'd want to help some people she knows with their challenges.

Nyasha refused to play the game, didn't have a thought, said it would never happen and it wasn't worth pondering (hmmm, a little weak in the manifestation world there).

Eric started with trips and houses in different places, summering in New Zealand and Alaska.  Then he went to creating work for people in an impoverished area of the state (where he lived as a child), making a large corporation that could bring up the standards for that region.  I don't think he will have changed today, since this was a thought he brought up weeks ago as well.

I was quick to leap into paying off stuff for people I know, the Gathering Grove business, Kwami's office space, friend's student loans, friend's mortgages... my own mortgage as well... although it is kinda not that far from done anyhow.  Then I jumped to things like guaranteeing all of the scouts full college educations, that junk.  And, if you know me, you know I would have no interest in keeping any of the money (poor Eric)... so it would go out to children's concepts probably... or then, maybe support in spiritual development of others (a retreat center or something).

And then today, how does that change?  What does this mean about me?  Today, I realized there is something about me that wants to take away the pain, remove the challenge.  Is that really a gift to people?  Would that really alter the course of existence for the better?  I wonder.  Challenge and pain seem to be the catalysts for incredible growth.  Luckily, it's hard to live without that dynamic duo.  We can strive endlessly, pour money endlessly over stuff, but still there is illness and death, still there is emotional angst, still the tensions of disagreement would rock our world.  Money can't solve those things, even if it can help reduce them.

Perhaps my last thought was the best thought.  Maybe what there is to be done is right in front of us all along.  Money might buy a building, pay a staff, create a peaceful meditative environment.   But, perhaps... getting through the illusion and to Reality is all that matters.  

 

Point, counterpoint.  A couple of days ago, I posted a blog that was titled "people with religion have missed the point".  It was based on a statement my seventeen year old daughter made, and, well, you can read it yourself, so I won't go further.  Counterpoint:

Do we need religion to survive and grow?  If I personally don't need religion, is it possible that the world does?  Sigh.  I was going to talk about Christmas clowns in a play we attended last night... there was juggling!  It was fun and sweet, light and inspiring... and instead, I'm juggling bowling balls : ) OK, so for those of you who know me, know my spiritual director, I didn't really get away with the other blog without, hmmmm.... Words?  Was I being responsible (well, you're adults... It wasn't x rated or anything!)?  Did I turn the mirror and look at both sides?

Driving on through the spiritual world without a religion is quite an endeavor, and should not be taken lightly!  Most people come to their own unique understandings through a guided route, and the roadway is often RELIGION!  I bow to that truth, concede that it is so, and commend the power of the Eternal for providing so many options!

I was Roman Catholic for 40 years of my life... went to church once a week for maybe 30 of those.  I never bought anything hook, line, and sinker, but in retrospect I know I could have gotten a lot more from the religion spiritually if I had.  I'm not even 100% willing to give up the association, the title.  I don't think the pope would appreciate my kind of Catholicism, but there is a place burned into my heart by religion, this religion.  My memories and my loves are beautiful, poignant, deep.  But they were not steeped in "doctrine or dogma", to quote Nyasha.  They were about a deep connection with the Eternal, internally, personally, and through the religion.

I have a feeling some of you can share stories of what religion did for your spirituality, and the inverse... and that's why there is a place for your insightful comments below (hint hint).

Overall, I'd give my experience as a Catholic an 8.5 rating, with just small snags in the personal guilt department and a little misbehavior in the governing body... not so bad : )

Having a group of people who share spiritual passion is an amazing thing (thank you, thank you, thank you to those who know who you are)... and in my current situation, sharing spiritual passion is not synonymous with similar beliefs.  OMG, much to the contrary.  I think people around me are more diverse than ever, and I LOVE IT!  Although I do know a few people that would likely agree that my personal credo is similar to their own, it isn't something common or needed.

But religion is needed.  It is needed in the world.  It touches so many more souls than can be reached by spiritual anarchy.  Religion moves people, and moves power, and moves development.  Many reach incredibly high levels of consciousness using the path of a church, growing through the steps provided. 

Another group is moved to elevation from their negative experiences, seemingly ironic, but just as effective.  How many folks do you know that found God because they were running from religion?!

What do you do if religion isn't touching your heart and soul???

First, know that you're in good company!  No worries.  (But also respect those who have found their way for now in a structured path.)  What we all need is time in gratitude, time in active meditation (or prayer), and time in silence (deep personal silence).  And then, to strive to be in the moment is the 'be all, end all"... perfect that, and you're so on the way!  The rest is up to the Great Mystery.  It guides and presents itself in perfection to each of us.  We are all sooo blessed.  It's the incredible Truth!